Pains and Positives

Yet again, we have another day that proves that I am getting worse and that I need help. I decided that I'd walk to the mall, but would stop at a friend's house along the way to give her a Christmas present. That'd be a shorter trip and I could sit for a bit. I did that and was on my way again.

However, the pain was terrible. Once again, I was walking around in the mall like a little old lady, inching my way through to do the last of my shopping. I know there were tears in my eyes as I made my way through the crowds.

Part of it was because my back hurts.

Part of it was because my pride hurts.

Having to arrange everything to correspond with buses or cabs instead of just walking like I used to is driving me insane. Watching people zoom pass me while I'm walking like a snail is not something I like. I'm the one who'd zoom through, getting what I needed and off again.

At the beginning of the year, it was my anxiety that kept me from my life. I didn't want to deal with the crowds. I had my rituals that I absolutely had to do before going anywhere or doing anything before I continued on. At the end of the year, it's my back that's making me want to stay home. If I stay home, I can rest and relax. I won't have to worry about having spasms in the middle of everything, or starting getting pains so bad that I just want to lie down wherever I am. If I stay home, my back will be ok.

But I can't do that because I have stuff to do and I'd get terrible cabin fever if I stayed home all the time.

Can't seem to win.

On to today's positive. Actually, there's several positives today. We had our Christmas party at work for the children. Seeing their faces as Santa came in the room, seeing them light up when he gave them their presents, seeing their smiles as they ran over to you exclaiming that they have a present for you and they watching to make sure you like what they gave you....it was really good. They were all just so happy and it was wonderful to see. Of course, the gifts I got were good too. I don't have to pay for a Tim's coffee for the next few weeks. But it's more for the kids, of course. That's what it's about.

I also got the winter collection of David's Tea, which includes Alpine Punch which is one of my favourites. I also had a s'mores blizzard which tasted awesome.

So...some good stuff in there today. Hopefully the weekend brings good too.

I know that I may not get a lot of readers, and I know some people probably don't care. This is more of a forum for me to discuss what's going through my head as I deal with pain, lawyers, insurance, etc. I was told to keep a journal, so I am. If you don't want to read, don't. If you want to follow along, that's great and thanks for being around.