Advent Sunday

Today is Sunday. Advent Sunday to be exact. That probably doesn't mean much to most people here. But, to me and my back, it means a lot of standing, walking, singing and not much sitting. The back is not a fan of that.

Sunday is not usually a good day for my back. Usually by the end of the day, I'm fighting back tears. This is a day that I not only deal with the physical pain, but the emotional pain that comes from having a bad back. You see, I sing soprano in a church choir. For the not so musically inclined, that means I sing high notes. For singing, and I'm assuming for most musical performances but I'm not sure because I don't play any instruments, posture is very important. In singing, straight back, shoulders down, head up, tummy tucked in, all very important for getting the right muscles in the right place to sing properly. But getting into that position hurts my back, especially after doing it for an entire service.

As I said, today was Advent Sunday. We do an Advent procession where we go around the church singing antiphons and music and we're standing for most of this. I was doing pretty good with it but after just over an hour, it was starting to take it's toll. By the end of it, the spasms were starting, and when you're walking in a procession, if you have a spasm, you have no choice but to keep on walking.

I have to do this twice on Sundays, as I sing at two services. It's pretty much the same. I start off alright but by the end, I'm ready to cry. Usually after both services, I sit for a bit, either in a chair or on the bench in our choir changing room. But it's something.

It's not the physical pain that upsets me here. I hate that sometimes I can't hit my higher notes because I can't get into the proper position to hit them. It makes me feel inadequate as a singer and as a soprano. I know it's not my fault that it's hard sometimes, but that doesn't mean I'm not frustrated when I can hear myself squeak on a note that I should not squeak on. My default position has a slight hunch because it takes some pressure off the back, or I'm on an incline, also because I feel less pressure on my back. And it just....sucks.

Maybe I'm not the best to be written a blog about this. I'm terrible at describing things like this.

It's not just singing that I can't do at church. I can't serve either because I will not lift the cross or banner or whatever else I have to carry (it's usually one of those two). Again, I should be able to do that. While the service can run in the evening without a server (the one I'm normally serving at), I'm sure it'll be easier if they had one.

That's the thing with this type of pain and struggle after an accident. They can put a price on the amount of work you miss, on prescriptions, on therapy. But what about not being able to sing properly anymore? On not being able to do things you used to be able to do?

You can't. There's no dollar value on things like that. There's no price on frustration, on losing some independence, on wanting to just sit there in defeat.

And that sucks.