Meh

You have been forewarned. The following entry contains emotional stuff.

Well, I said that there'd be no post yesterday. I told ya. Yesterday and today was pretty uneventful in terms of back aches. By which I mean it went normal. It was pretty good in the morning and slowly went worse throughout the day until I hurt at night time.

Today went worse than yesterday evening though.

Sometimes, I get these spurts of productivity and I have to do x, y and z because of a, b, and c. Tonight was one of those nights and my back is mad at me. I know that sometimes, I do a lot and my back suffers, but I hate the idea of feeling like an invalid, that I can't keep on living my life and not being able to do what I need to do.

But that's the thing. I can't really live my life that I did. 3 months ago, me going to the grocery store, coming home, cooking, cleaning and making cookies would not have taken me this long or cause me this much pain.

And I hate it. I just hate it. It drives me insane. I have things I want/need to do this weekend. Normally, I'd get up in the morning and I'd go and I'd do it and everything will be fine and done. Now, I have to figure out what I need to do as opposed to what I want to do. Then I need to determine what's the most feasible way of doing things and coordinating bus times and cabs for when the bus just isn't going to work.

Normally, I like things scheduled and I know what I'm doing when, but that's just too much.

Sometimes I wonder what happened for me to go through this and have my life turn a complete 180. There's the negative voice in my head (my friend has told me to call this voice Candy and tell her to shut the hell up whenever she speaks up. Sometimes Candy won't listen) that says that since my life was going so well, things had to go boom. Or, in this case, bang. I try to ignore that aspect of it. Just try to tell myself that, no, that's not it, that it was all just circumstances. No what ifs or buts, because there are none. I was taking that bus to work anyways. There are no other buses that go up there in the morning. I was going to be sitting in that seat anyways because I sit in the middle of the bus across from the back door. That's my seat. And these things happen and you get on and deal with it.

And that's what I try to tell myself.

This isn't a blog for me to deal with my other problems that I do have, but one thing that may underlie some more depressing entries is the Seasonal Affective Disorder thing. I don't have SAD per se, because I have depression in the summer as well. However, my moods are lower in the winter for the same reason that people have SAD.

Sorry for the emotional stuff here. It just hasn't been a good night in general and I'm ready for bed. Now I just feel like I'm in a whatever mood. I believe the term is "meh". Good night.