Gotta Do What You Gotta Do

Sometimes, you gotta do what you gotta do and damn the consequences. By which I mean, you will feel them later and it won't be pretty.

Work was a pretty laid back day as we didn't have a lot of kids. Part of that was the fact that a lot of parents are still on vacation or have grandparents in or something and the kids stay home. The other part was that we had a mini-blizzard this morning so some parents decided to keep their kids home. I'm assuming. I really don't know. I can't read their minds.

However, sometimes when numbers are low, regular staff get taken out to do things. Today, we had one of our regular staff in the kitchen and another shoveling. Also in our room was a pregnant lady. At one point, I had the best back in the room, and that's saying something. I had to change two diapers. There was no choice.

So I did what I had to do. Bent my knees, told them to hold on tight, and slowly moved them to the changing table. And it hurt. But like I said, I had no choice. It was either me, the pregnant one, or the one who could barely walk from shoveling snow. I didn't do a lot else in terms of the back and you can bet I laid down on the floor for a while when I could.

And then when I got home, I had to do dishes. Roomie is away so it's only me to clean and eat and all. So I had to do the dishes. Took a lot longer than I expected because I needed to break, but I got a lot of Battlestar Galatica watched while I was doing them. I watched three episodes tonight! Woot! Love that show. I may have mentioned that before.

So it seems that sometimes, I gotta do things that my back isn't going to like. But I have to do it or else things won't get done. It sucks, but that's the way it is. I just have to extremely careful when I do things like that.

So today's positive..well...a few today. One is that I watched three episodes of BSG. Another would be the fact that I did manage to get my dishes done. Also, not a lot of kids make for a less stressful day at work which is always good. Not that work is stressful but would you rather handle 4 or 8 kids? At once? Exactly.

Tomorrow's New Years Eve. Going out with my best friend and his woman. She's performing and I haven't seen her band before so that should be good times. No kiss at midnight, but that hasn't changed in the last 5 years. Unless something happens, but I doubt it. And I will be very careful with the back tomorrow night. No crazy dancing.

Also, I'm not doing a year in review. I know what my year was like. Some parts were amazingly awesome, some were stressful, some were downright depressing. And that's not the blog for this anyways.

May not update in the next few days, because of holidays and all. So Happy New Years! Hopefully in the new year I'll be more on my way to recovery.

Weekend Update

I shouldn't be writing. I should be going to bed. I have to go back to work tomorrow which means a 6am wake up. I've been getting up at 10 or 11 lately.

And in my emotional state, I shouldn't be writing. I'll need to keep reminding myself to keep my deals out of this.

So, the back. Yesterday seemed to be pretty good. I seemed to have a good balance of being resting and active. I was also social. Went out and saw people on three different occasions. Most people I've seen all holiday. But there was a good balance of sitting and resting the back and getting up and moving around.

Except the last one, at the bookstore. That might have over done it. Back started to go and I found myself having to lean on things, or sit down a lot. It was getting kind of annoying, trying to find a place.

Today wasn't too bad, except for the end of the second service today. I guess with a lot of singing comes a lot of back responsibilities to the point where it said "and we're done". Even a bow made my back hurt so it was more of a nod.

Then there was the choir Christmas potluck. I didn't bring my magic bag because it doesn't work with the way the chairs are in the back. And now, by the end of it, I'm done.

I'm done with several things anyway. That image of the guy throwing his papers in the air with a "fuck it all" look is pretty much me right now. And if I'm in an anger state, at least it's better than a depressed state. I can  be productive in this state. Kill lots of things on video games.

Anyways, in regards to the back, I feel like I'm done. At least for tonight. I'm ready for someone to give me a magical pill to make my back stop hurting and I can go back to a normal life.

I need the positive of today. I did a solo. It is one of the scariest solos in our repertoire. We process to the back, we're in the dark except for the candles in our hands. You get three notes, and then it's the solo. It's a cappella (meaning just voice, no music accompanying) and the rest of the piece depends on how well you do this solo. You go badly flat or sharp, and it's going to be off. I'm still not 100% sure exactly what happened. When the organ came in, it wasn't quite right. But I did it. And I'm told I did it well. Some even said it was the best they've heard me sing. So I must have done something right. And that's my positive of the day. I did that solo.

And that's it for now.

Balancing Act

Welll, look who came back to the blog. It's not that I forgot, just that it was better if I didn't post. As I've said before, this is not a forum for my personal/emotional problems and that's what it would have turned into the last few days if I went anywhere near this. So, I was good and actually listened to my own advice for once and stayed away.

So, what is this entry about? It's about balance.

I'm not talking about Balance Druid in World of Warcraft, although if I did play a druid, it'd be a balance since they're a ranged DPS which is my favourite form of DPS.

No, I'm talking about the balance between resting and doing things. When you have back pain, it's important to find that balance and it is not easy. Since I've been off work for the holidays, a lot of my time has been spent on my ass, eating chocolate and playing video games and watching Battlestar Galatica (which, if you haven't seen, you need to watch. Now. Whether you're a sci-fan fan/nerd or not. It's a great show! And I'm talking about the new one, not the old one. But I'm only on season 2 so if you give me spoilers I know several people who will beat you for ruining it for me). That resting is fine. I'm catching up on stuff and all is good. And then I get up to go do something.

Even now, I can feel the tension in my back, like the muscles are all pushed together. The magic bag works so much for it, and then it doesn't help unless I reheat it. When I ventured out to the mall earlier (the first place I've been since coming back from my grandfather's on Christmas day), I could feel the spasms in places I don't usually get them, like more on the side on the back.

How I managed to carry a printer, I'm not sure yet. It's not a big one, really, and the bags helped. I was gonna take a cab home but my friend had to pick up his girlfriend soon anyways and said he'd come get me. Got him a coffee for the help. Even if I didn't have the bad back though, I would have taken the cab home because that would have just been awkward to carry.

But, basically, that's where the problem is. It's all about balance. I guess that's what life is about too, but that's another entry for another blog. With back pain, you want to rest. But too much rest makes your muscles lazy, for lack of a better word. So when you try to do something, the muscles don't wanna do it and it hurts. But if it's not hurting, and you do too much, then you're just gonna make it hurt more.

So you need to find that balance between resting and being active enough to not make the pain worse. And it's not easy. I'm stubborn and I'll end up doing one of them more than I should. And no one can say where that balance is. You just gotta try it for yourself.

There's a lot of trial and error with back pain, whether it's from seeing if you can lift something, or trying a different way to move something, or even just seeing how long you can relax before your muscles forget how to work. And I'm assuming everyone is different and all the pain and thresholds are different.

You just gotta try it out and find that balance for yourself.

Ok, now I want to go back a balance druid on WoW.

Christmas Time

I haven't updated in a few days, and frankly, I should probably stay away from blogger tonight and tomorrow.

Without going into more details than necessary (basically, if you know things, you know more details about what I'm going on with here), Christmas isn't a great time for me. My sister passed away on Christmas morning 5 years ago, and this day hasn't been the same since.

Though honestly, I haven't felt a lot of Christmas spirit in years before then either.

I don't want to go into details, since this is not what this blog is for, but this Christmas isn't shaping up to much either.

So, let's just leave it at that and focus on today's positives.

My back has been pretty good today. That's definitely a positive. Maybe my bath salts last night worked well. Got some nice gifts too, so that's good.

And while I don't have my low notes, I have my high notes. It's usually opposite when I have a bad throat. And as a soprano, I need the high notes.

So I guess that's it. Like I said, I'll probably avoid this for a few days as this is supposed to be a soapbox for my back problems and not my personal/emotional problems.

Merry Christmas.

Not too bad until...

So this weekend wasn't too bad, back wise. I spent most of Saturday inside, alternating between being productive and resting, the back ended up alright. Some pains as I went down to the mall, but that was expected. I didn't walk down that time. Took the bus back and forth.

Today I got up and the back was actually doing good. Hardly any pain, and I felt like I was walking fine. And, despite the snow, it was a fairly good day.

Until the evening.

By about 5:30, the tingles were coming back. By the time I had finished with the evening service, the back was in it's regular pain. Part of it might have been just the daily stress. Part of it might have been going from hot to cold to hot to cold, etc. Part of it might have been some faux fighting with my friend (who said it was probably the hot and cold thing causing the pain). It was probably a little bit of all three. Feeling better after half an hour of lying down on the magic bag.

The lesson of today? Even though you feel good, doesn't mean you can still do what you used to. It will come back and hit you in the back.

So what were the positives of this weekend? Well, like I said, I was productive so I have the tree up and I finished these assignments I had to do. That was yesterday. Today's positive was...well, I guess seeing my friend and seeing how excited he was with the Christmas gift I got him, and just hanging out a bit in general. And I had chocolate today. A general positive that happened this weekend was that the winter solstice happened. That means that the days will slowly start to get longer. That means more sunlight. That means less SAD. So that's always a good thing.

I guess that's a bit of the weekend in a nutshell.

I'd like to hear back from the lawyers soon, but I highly doubt it'll happen. Not on Christmas week. Maybe in the New Year.

Pains and Positives

Yet again, we have another day that proves that I am getting worse and that I need help. I decided that I'd walk to the mall, but would stop at a friend's house along the way to give her a Christmas present. That'd be a shorter trip and I could sit for a bit. I did that and was on my way again.

However, the pain was terrible. Once again, I was walking around in the mall like a little old lady, inching my way through to do the last of my shopping. I know there were tears in my eyes as I made my way through the crowds.

Part of it was because my back hurts.

Part of it was because my pride hurts.

Having to arrange everything to correspond with buses or cabs instead of just walking like I used to is driving me insane. Watching people zoom pass me while I'm walking like a snail is not something I like. I'm the one who'd zoom through, getting what I needed and off again.

At the beginning of the year, it was my anxiety that kept me from my life. I didn't want to deal with the crowds. I had my rituals that I absolutely had to do before going anywhere or doing anything before I continued on. At the end of the year, it's my back that's making me want to stay home. If I stay home, I can rest and relax. I won't have to worry about having spasms in the middle of everything, or starting getting pains so bad that I just want to lie down wherever I am. If I stay home, my back will be ok.

But I can't do that because I have stuff to do and I'd get terrible cabin fever if I stayed home all the time.

Can't seem to win.

On to today's positive. Actually, there's several positives today. We had our Christmas party at work for the children. Seeing their faces as Santa came in the room, seeing them light up when he gave them their presents, seeing their smiles as they ran over to you exclaiming that they have a present for you and they watching to make sure you like what they gave you....it was really good. They were all just so happy and it was wonderful to see. Of course, the gifts I got were good too. I don't have to pay for a Tim's coffee for the next few weeks. But it's more for the kids, of course. That's what it's about.

I also got the winter collection of David's Tea, which includes Alpine Punch which is one of my favourites. I also had a s'mores blizzard which tasted awesome.

So...some good stuff in there today. Hopefully the weekend brings good too.

I know that I may not get a lot of readers, and I know some people probably don't care. This is more of a forum for me to discuss what's going through my head as I deal with pain, lawyers, insurance, etc. I was told to keep a journal, so I am. If you don't want to read, don't. If you want to follow along, that's great and thanks for being around.

Last Two Days

No, I didn't forget about you, blog. Yesterday was Wednesday, which meant choir, which meant not really home. However, I should have written down things that happened yesterday because now I can't really remember, except there was pain. I had run out of painkillers and due to weather related issues, I couldn't pick up my refills until today. So, yeah, more pain than I would have liked to have dealt with.

Today was day two of no pills (but I took my evening one so hopefully the pain will lessen soon) and the pain was not letting up. Going out shopping didn't help. I got a glimpse of myself in the Walmart bathroom before leaving, all hunched over like a little old lady. I wish I could have taken a picture but there were other people in there and they'd probably think I was just taking a bathroom selfie.

Having back spasms at Walmart wasn't fun. I'd just have to stop in the middle of the aisle and just let it do what it was going to do. One felt like this pulsating, tingles radiating from the center of my back. It was not fun at all.

I'm currently sitting in my chair with the magic bag on my back and I can feel the muscles relax a bit, which is good. They definitely give a sort of pleasurable pain...or painful pleasure. Either way it's written, it's feeling better.

I NEED therapy. If the last two days have proven anything, it's that I'm not getting better and my painkillers are only dulling the pain enough so that I can function in daily life. Getting off the bus yesterday, I would have given anything for a massage. But the lawyers have gotten no further with the insurance people and now that it's the week before Christmas, so I probably won't hear from them until the new year.

In the meantime, I just have to keep going through, day to day, hoping I don't fall down on the ice, trying not to hurt anymore than I am and just trying to make it through.

Wish me luck.

EDIT: I forgot my positive today. Got more shopping done (but not all of it), got my Christmas tree (but it's not up). We had hash for lunch at work! That was positive because it was so good. If you don't know, hash is the leftover veggies from a cooked dinner (usually turkey) fried up with some turkey, too. It was yummy!

No Progress

I heard back from the lawyer today. Basically....they got nothing yet. They said they emailed the other insurance company but haven't heard back yet. She also emailed them again to see what was up. Hopefully they'll get back on this because this is not getting better. I used to be able to at least walk back from the mall. Now, I can't. I take a short bus ride, or a cab if I have to wait for the bus and it's too long a wait. Normally, I can walk back from the mall in like 10 minutes. 15 at most, if the traffic is bad.

A bath was helpful for a bit tonight, but it wasn't the best. Like I said before, it hurts again once I get out of the tub. Tonight, I'm not sure if there was a spasm or if it was painful pleasure while muscles relaxed. The bath is one of the few places where I can shut off. I turn on some classical piano solo (at least that's what Songza says is playing) and then just rest. I guess that's my Pisces side. I was really stressed out today and my mind was in all sorts of places, but with the bath, I can stop everything for a little bit. The piano helps too. I've always liked listening to piano. Tried playing, but I got confused trying to play two staffs at once. And I had trouble with bass clef. I still have to look twice at a bass note to see what it is.

I digress again.

So I guess today's blog...still no progress. Kinda like that scene on The Simpsons when Skinner and Bart are looking at stars through a telescope, Skinner reads a bearing and says "...no sighting", reads another bearing that's a degree in difference and says "...no sighting" and so on. It's like blog day 1 - no progress. Blog day 2 - no progress.

See? The Simpsons is useful in daily life!

Today's positive...I got my latte Tuesday, even though I didn't have my latte Tuesday buddy. But still. Yay cheap lattes.

Today was Monday

I didn't write yesterday. That happens. Not much happened. I stayed most of yesterday indoors because of the head cold I'm still currently suffering through. Actually, I left for about 10 minutes when I went to the store, but other than that, I was mostly at home. So no church, no singing, nothing like that. The back wasn't too bad, which surprised me considering I was active the night before. I probably didn't feel much of it because I spend most of the time lying down, sitting down, etc.

 So I felt it today. The back wasn't good today, not from the moment I woke up. Maybe it was like when I first injured it, it took a while before I felt any pain. Had to put the Rub A535 on there this morning but I don't think it helped much. Neither did the bus seats. Uncomfortable seats today.

 Work was the usual. I did what I could and didn't do what I didn't think I could do. My back was tingling most of the day and it was a constant throb, just saying "I'm here and I hurt!" While at lunch, I even had a spasm where I actually spoke "oooh" and was in pause mode for several seconds as I let it past. Sometimes it feels like the pain is moving, that it's not confined to just the two muscles in the lower back next to the spine. But that could be a nerve thing. Like my acid reflux. I'd feel pains in places like my shoulders just because of the way the nerves work. So maybe it's nerves. Maybe it is getting worse. It's always hard to tell because it's worse at night and my doctor usually sees me in the morning. So not sure what to do there.

I emailed the lawyer again, asking if there's any progress on figuring out the acupuncture stuff. No reply, no surprise. Also no comment on if the blog counts as having this in writing. I don't see why not. They told me I should keep a journal. This is a journal. It's just published to the internet for people to read instead of being in a notebook somewhere. No difference from what I can figure.

Now that the snow is down and seems to be staying, I'm being overly cautious while walking. I may have said it here before, I don't remember. I know I mentioned it to people in conversation. But one fall and I'm done, out, finished. It doesn't matter if I fall on my ass, my back, my knees, my side, wherever. The fall will jolt my back and I'm not taking that risk. If I'm out of commission, I will be driven insane. Having one day now and again to do nothing, just whatever you want, is fine with me. I actually like having some time of that every day, but I'll do what I need to do. Having ALL the time doing nothing, just whatever I want, will make me crazy after a day or two. I like some amount of daily structure. So a fall this winter will be very bad!

Not a long entry tonight, but there's still not much to update. I do what I can. Thanks to those reading and following along with the fun that is my back injury from a bus.

Good night!

I almost forgot my positive of today! Cheese was half off at the supermarket. That was exciting. And over the last two days I've started watching Battlestar Galactic. I'm only 4 episodes in so no spoilers! But it is quite an exciting series.

EDIT: I was also sent this link. It's funny as hell. Enjoy http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2hfre4eBCY8

Dancing Karma

So tonight was my work Christmas party. The thing is, when you can't drink and you can't dance, then people say to other people that "your friends don't dance and if they don't dance well> they're no friends of mine". Ok, really though, when you can't drink and can't do much dancing due to an injury, then it's a bit harder to have a good time. 

But I did have a fairly good time. I have hilarious co-workers and they're part of the reason why I love going to work. There was a wonderful dance of Baby Got Back, performed by co-workers on the dance floor that was just so funny. When these guys are around, laughing, joking, it's easy to have a good time.

And I did have a good time. I even made twitter and facebook notes as references for when I went to write tonight. Now, the thing is, I'm stubborn. Usually, I'm pretty much just go with the flow, especially when it comes to decision making. But when my mind is set on doing something, I'm doing it. That's it. I'm sure it's related to my independent side. And tonight I was stubborn. I said "This is Billie Jean! You gotta dance to Billie Jean!", and I said "Heave Away! Sure you knows you're dancing that to that!" and I said "you may not be dancing sexy now, but some day, you'll bring sexy back and right now we're gonna dance to some SexyBack". 

My dance moves now are no where near as good as my dance moves several months ago. At least I can do some movement now though. I was at a costume dance about a month or so back and it was not happening. Not even to Backstreet's Back which has been my jam since 1997. But tonight, it wasn't really dancing. I was kinda stepping in time, moving my arms. Some might consider it dancing, but not really. Not what I'm used to. And that's another thing to add to the list of things I can no longer do. 

And my stamina is terrible. Dance for one song, down for 3 or 4. Before, I could dance for 3 or 4, even more songs, sit for one and then back up again. So that kinda sucks.

Now, remember saying I was stubborn. I shouldn't have been on the dance floor at all. My back can't take it. But I wanted it anyways. I didn't want to sit there, watching my friends dance while I sang along, drinking my water. I couldn't do that. I wanted to dance and have fun and laugh and sing. So, against my own better judgement, against my back, against what anyone might have said, I got up. I might have danced to 6 songs in total tonight. 

But I'm stubborn and when I came home, I laid on the magic bag for about 45 minutes to make my back feel better.

And I got payback for my fun and happiness. See, karma and the universe works differently for me. Normally, you do good, good things happen. You do bad, bad things happen. The universe wants my karma to balance. When good things happen, something bad is around the corner. At one point, the universe said to me "you know what, you've been pretty happy the last little while. It's time to go back to miserable, so let's throw in a bunch of stuff, including damaging your back in a minor accident, that will really mess you up. Oh! And let's do it around the time SAD comes in." Ok, the universe doesn't work that way and it has taken a while for me to realize that no, the universe didn't do that and it wasn't because of this, that, or the other thing. It was just several things, one right after the other, all at once, making everything that much harder to deal with it, and everything gets tied up in knots in your head and you're trying to pull the strings free but that just makes everything more tangled and messy.

Ok, where did that come from?

That went off on a tangent. But as I was going to say, my universal payback for having fun tonight was that, while getting into the cab home, my dress ripped. Right up to my underwear. It was a nice dress too. I was hoping to wear that to this thing on New Years Eve. Guess not now.

I don't think the universe really does try to balance out my life with a bunch of good and then a bunch of bad. It just seems like that sometimes. Maybe that means something good will come again soon?

Hey look, a positive note! Let's end there.

A little personal

I know I said that this blog was mostly concerning the issues with my back and not go into a lot of personal issues. Tonight, it probably will.

The back has been pretty decent today. I think that's because I've gotten a terrible head cold. Sore throat, stuffy, headache, all that. So I guess my body said "you know what? I'm gonna take care of the sore throat and headache and all that, so we're just ignoring your back today." Maybe I should get sick more often.

Of course, that doesn't mean my back was without it's pangs and tweaks and owies. And now, with the snow and ice on the ground, I have to be even more careful while walking. One fall and I'm probably going to be out of commission. So I'm going even more slowly now while outside. And I definitely noticed my slower walking in the mall as I tried to keep up with my friend.

So not much news on the back.

Next is today's positive.

I guess the biggest positive was getting coffee with my bestest friend and then running into another friend and we all had coffee. And we had ice cream for snack at work today. I do like ice cream.

Now, I apologize for the more personal matter but it's been on my mind a lot today and I hope the other party involved doesn't mind me mentioning this. I apologize if you do, and I'll take it out if necessary.

My heart broke this afternoon when I read on Facebook that my ex-boyfriend had to put his cats down. He had been looking for a new home for them, as there were several factors that was preventing them to live the best life they could with him. One of those was there deteriorating health and associated costs. It's terrible that it had to come to that, but I know that he did what he thought was best. I didn't spend a whole lot of time with the kitties, but I did develop an attachment and fondness to them, and loved seeing them. They were pretty awesome cats. One even slept in my arms one night. They will be missed.

To my ex: I don't know if you'll see this, but you have mentioned reading the blog, so you might. I have already expressed my condolences but I just wanted to say again how sorry I am that you had to make this decision for your cats. I know how much they meant to you and how much you loved them and I know it probably wasn't an easy decision to make. But you didn't want them to suffer anymore, which shows a lot of strength, love and mercy for them. You showed them a good, happy life. Like I said, before, if you need anything, let me know.

So, that's it. Again, I'm sorry that this entry turned to a more personal route (and it wasn't even about me), but I just wanted to get that out there. I'll try not to have too many more personal moments in here unless it's back related.

Status Quo

Honestly, there's not much to update. No more interactions from the lawyer. The back is not getting better. I'm starting to wonder if my pills are actually working. If they are, how much pain would I be in if I didn't take them? Sometimes you wonder about that.

The back has seemed to have gotten worse in the evening. I wonder if that's because of the cold temperatures we've been having of late. That, or I'm just getting worse.

Even though I didn't write last night, I did have a hard time in finding a positive for yesterday. Even thinking back, I can't really find anything that would have been considered a real positive. Today was better. Watched Serenity, so I can now cross Firefly off my tv viewing list. And I got my hair done so I feel more like myself with that. That's a good thing.

Terrible sore throat though. Don't really need that on top of the back though.

So I guess my back is more or less working on the status quo and I'm just updating just to say that...there's no real update.

City Hall and Bus Spasms

Today, not the best of days.

First, the lawyer/fun stuff. I got a call from city hall this afternoon. They left a message because I had emailed Metrobus, simply saying that if it's their policy to not have insurance for passengers, that this should be be put on their website so riders know that they're riding at their own risk. Explained in the email that I wasn't blaming Metrobus or looking for anything from them, just suggesting that this be known. I don't think I've talked to anyone who knew this lack of insurance existed. Anyways, some guy at city hall called me regarding this, but they needed to talk to my lawyer because I was being represented. When I called back, I said that the lawyers were the ones who told me this, but I didn't know where they got their information from. So...who knows what'll happen there. Hopefully I won't get into trouble by simply emailing Metrobus with a suggestion to help others in the future.

Now, the not so fun stuff. My plan for this evening was to go to latte Tuesday with my friend. We call it latte Tuesday and we know what this means. Second Cup have lattes on sale on Tuesdays, so we'll go down there and get lattes. I'm sure the texts between us have gone something like "Latte Tuesday?" "What time?" "7?" "Ok". Anyways, latte Tuesday was cancelled due to my friend having to work. I had to go to the mall anyways to renew my bus pass so I still got my latte. Muahahaha. But I was seriously uncomfortable in the mall. Since I was coming from work, I still had my bag of holding. The bag is big but light since I don't carry much in it on a daily basis. At least, not anymore. But, after being tired from the day, I had to position the bag so that I was more or less carrying it in my arms. It seems to take pressure off my back when I do that. While walking, I definitely noticed my slower pace. Usually, I'm the one zooming through between the crowds, weaving in and out (especially on my own). Today, I was the one being walked passed. I wasn't cool with that. I don't like this slowed down walking. It makes me feel slowed down, for lack of a better word. That I can't get in and out and be done. I like getting in and out of the mall as quick as I can because it's the mall and near Christmas. But today, I felt like I was walking in WoW instead of running. I know not many will get that, but to those that do, that's how it felt. Except, I couldn't press a button and go running again. Or even better, I'm a low level in a city and everyone around me has a mount.

By the time came for me to grab the bus back to my apartment (which is really like 5 minutes, if that), my back was shot. It was almost as bad as the day last week when I went home early from work. I was having spasms on the bus, and what's worse, is that I had a spasm while crossing the street to my apartment when I got off the bus. That one scared me because if a car came, I'd have to run across the street and my eyes were already brimming with tears. When I finally got to my apartment, I was practically taking baby steps. It hurt so much and I didn't know what to do. I rested as best as I could, considering I was still getting up to cook my food and had to sit to eat and everything.

This was definitely one of the worse experiences, and there's nothing I can do about it. The lawyers won't get back to me about my acupuncture until they get the insurance gets figured out. I don't want to mix pain medications. I rest as much as I can but things aren't working right now. I feel stuck, waiting for something to happen and I don't know when that'll be. All I can do is reduce my suffering with rest and sometimes that doesn't feel like enough.

I'm tired.

Good night.

Edit: I didn't write in my positives for today. I got my caramel corretto and finished watching Firefly (just need to rewatch Serenity and I'm all done). And I got my roomie to watch a little MLP. MLP is always positive, especially Pinkie Pie. I got the picture from the google.

Crazy Old Woman

Guess who heard back from the lawyers today! Finally! After a week, of course. They said that it was fine if I didn't say all the emotional stuff in the statement, just as long as I tell my doctor so they have it in writing. I asked about the blog, but they haven't replied back. Of course. They also told me that it's fine keeping all my receipts and all and they'll just claim all that when it comes time to settle. So far, the cab receipts are now approximately $50.

As for today, the pain was a bit more than it usually is, but not enough to send me home. I was having pains pretty much all day, which is different, since I'm usually fine in the morning and it slowly deteriorates through out the day. Today was pretty much a steady pain day with some moments better than others.

Again, I just work through the pain because I feel like I have no choice. Doing nothing all day does not fly with me. Ok, doing nothing all day for one day works great as a recuperation, but not for days on end. Even at work, doing nothing will make me feel useless and a waste of time and money. So I work. Simple as that.

I went to Walmart today! I think that might be my positive of the day, having completed the shopping journey in 3 days! A little late but it's done.

Of course it wasn't without it's problems. I had to wait longer at the university for my bus. The first one that came was finishing it's run. The depot isn't far from Walmart at all and under most circumstances, even the cold of this evening, I would have asked to ride to the depot and walked from there. But nope. That was not happening, so I had to wait another 20 minutes. Part of me even wondered if I could make it through the Walmart journey. But I did! Like when I go to Sobeys, the cart is one of the things that saves me. I kind of lean on it and push, like a walker. Takes a lot of pressure off, though I'm sure I'm all hunched over like an old lady.

I'm going to be a crazy old lady before I'm 30, right? My ankle was broken about 5 years ago so I have arthritis there. I have the cane that I used to help me walk. Walking straight doesn't do a lot right now, so I'm hunched over. I have the cat. I sit alone drinking coffee with my bags while I wait for a bus. I have medications...

I am a crazy old woman.

Damn.

Bath Time!

Today was a fairly average day in terms of back pain. Fine in the morning, slowly getting worse during the day, better with rest, spasms thrown in there randomly just because.

I finally figured out one of the best ways to describe the pain, since I'm not good at it. Basically, it feels like someone just randomly coming up and punching you in the back. In my case, it's the lower back muscles. Sometimes, it feels like the spine. That's probably not a good thing. Other times, it feels more like someone coming up and stabbing you in the back. Only lightly though. And it's always hard to explain this to my doctor because these kind of feelings come later in the day than when my appointment is. I'll need to remember it the next time I go.

Also, if it feels like a light stabbing, and I don't like that, will I even like the acupuncture? No word from the lawyer about that yet. But of course, the longer they take, the longer I'm in pain. The longer I'm in pain, the more money I get. The more money I get, the more money they get. So it's in their best interest to take a long time in getting me the help I need.

In the meantime, I'm going to have to do my own home remedies to deal with the pain. On the advice of a friend on Facebook, I went to a local store and bought some bath salts. I tried them tonight and they were so good! I've had baths before to relax the muscles, but not the bath salts. It did add to the relaxing atmosphere and I could feel the muscles in my back relaxing a lot more.

The only problem is that I hurt when I got up. Unfortunately, I can't spend all night in the bath tub because it makes the pain go away.

Not much of an update tonight, but I didn't really do much. Not too bad on the singing today because nothing was overly high and caused problems with the posture and hurting the back. I spend most of the day either sitting or lying down so that wasn't too bad either.

I guess the most difficult was when I went out getting the bath salts. Went with a friend who wanted to go to that store anyways. It was a nice store. A lot of cool bits of jewelry and decoration. And there was a lot of positive message things that made my feels uncomfortable. I'm not sure if I'm not ready to deal with that, or if I just don't want to deal with that, but it did bring tears to the eyes when I read things like that. Maybe because there's a big part of me that doesn't believe it.

Why do my posts, which is supposed to be about my dealing with the back, always swing back around to the underlying depression?

Maybe that's a bigger problem than the back and one is making the other worse?

Where's my positive of today? The bath was one, and this adorable article about a lion cub playing with leaves. Those pictures were adorable.

OH! The best positive of all! I found this. It might be the best thing I've ever seen. If you're a TNG Trekkie, you'll love it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i-zdMkOZTKs

Good night.

Somewhat successful shopping

Today, I was going to Value Village. I didn't care. It was being done. It be done.

The day started off with me not feeling well. Woke up stomach sick and all. But I had a cookie exchange to attend. There are currently 12 dozen cookies in my house and I'm not sure how they will all be eaten. Luckily, I started to feel better once I had some ginger ale (I don't drink soft drinks as a rule, but today there was no choice. Belly need some ginger) and ate some starchy, bready foods, like rolls. Unfortunately, it has continued throughout the day. Hopefully just a side effect of the flu shot or something I ate. Due to this cookie thing being a mostly sit down affair, my back was more or less fine. That and I hadn't been up and about much during the day until then so the back was fine.

Came home and decided that my hair needed a trim. I also wanted to go to Value Village, and then Walmart. But how could I do this? I decided to go to Value Village after getting my hair cut, stopping at the mall if need be. I walked past the mall, thinking "alright, this can be done! We can do this!". I couldn't do it. I needed to stop. So I went back to Chapters, just like last night, ordered the same drink (Caramel Brule Latte time of year! Yay!) and just waited it out. I only needed to stay about 10 minutes before I could do it again.

And I made it. I did it. I made it to Value Village.

Success story of the day.

What didn't go so well? Well, it's one thing to put clothes on in the morning, or changing in the evening and you're good to go. But when you're trying on several shirts, a few dresses....the back starts to hurt. I wasn't a big fan of cloth shopping in the beginning. I'm kinda picky I like to try things on. A lot of times I'll pick something up, like the colour or style and then when I put it on, it falls the completely wrong way and it's not going home with me. It's why I don't like online cloth shopping. I can't try that on before I buy it.

Not a breakaway topic, but just a side to go to lead into this. As you may have noticed, or may know if I talk to you regularly about these kind of things, but I have been going through a hard time lately, and not just with my back. Again, this is not the forum for this discussion. In talks with a certain person, I said that I will try to find something positive that happened that day to put in my blog, no matter how negative the rest of it was. So here's my positive.

I have a new pretty dress! I'm not very girly, but I do like pretty dresses. 

By the end of the Value Village trip though, my back was done. I called the cab, which I was not happy with because I should have been able to walk home from there, and was on the magic bag almost as soon as I got home.

Doing laundry wasn't fun. I had to do it though, I have no clean socks left. It wasn't easy taking that bag down to the laundry room, putting it in the washer, later the dryer, and then bringing it back upstairs. There were several spasms when I did that. Not so fun with that. 

I guess that's something else I will have problems with. The washer and dryer are on the ground floor of the apartment, there's nothing I can do about that, short of moving. So as long as I'm here, I'm going to have some trouble with the washer and dryer. There's a fair bit of twisting and turning and lifting and carrying and the back isn't happy with that. 

My cab total is now about $50 in the last few weeks, since I started collecting the receipts. Not cool. I will be giving those to the lawyers, who still haven't gotten back to me about, well, anything. I don't like cabs. Well, cab drivers. I feel awkward. If they don't talk, I feel weird just sitting there. If they talk to me, I feel weird being forced into conversation. Maybe that's just socially awkwardness/introvertedness in general.

And I never made it to Wal-Mart. 

This post isn't as negative as the last few, probably because I got out a lot of ranting earlier. I guess that's a good thing. So let's add to the list of things I can't really do. Trying on lots of clothes, walking half an hour without needing a break, walking home with a bag of clothes, bringing a bag of clothes to the laundry room and doing the laundry. Well, I did the laundry, it just had a lot of spasms.

Thanks for sticking with me.

Misadventures in Shopping

Today's workday was pretty good. No major problems and I didn't even really need to lie down while kids were napping. Awesome.

That ended.

After work, I had to go to the bank (by which I mean the bank machine at the grocery store. It's the closest to my apartment). After that, my plan was to go to the mall. In normal circumstances, walking to the mall would take about 20 minutes from that location. Nope. I had to wait 10 minutes for a 15 minute bus ride. There was a few steps next to the stop, but I couldn't even sit down because it had started to rain a bit. Not cool.

So I go to the mall and I'm fine for a bit because I sit to eat some food before heading off to do some shopping. It wasn't too bad, really, but there was a slow deterioration. I was walking slower, I had to sit a few times, I had to carry my bag in my arms, cradle it, really, instead of slinging it over my shoulder. It was getting way too much and I hadn't even done everything I wanted to do. As luck would have it, my roommate was coming to the mall after work and he gladly took some of my purchases in his bag for me as I continued on my journeys.

They didn't last long.

I was heading up to Value Village (or as we call it at work, Val-ooo, Vill-ah-ge. Gives it a more prestige sounding name). Didn't make it. I walked towards Chapters, a trip that should have taken about 5 minutes. It took me about 10. Value Village is about 5 minutes past that, depending on if you have to wait to cross the street or not. And I just couldn't do it. The roommate came and met me at Chapters and we took a cab home.

This isn't me. As I said before, I feel like I'm losing part of myself because I can't go out and do what I want to do. I should have been able to go to the bank, walk to the mall, head over to Value Village and maybe stop at Chapters on the way back for a drink from the Starbucks inside, and then walk home again. But I can't.

Maybe I should just accept that this is my life now.  At least until I'm approved for therapy. Waiting for the lawyers to figure out insurance stuff. And actually, I haven't heard from them at all since I emailed them on Tuesday. That kinda sucks. But yeah, until I'm better, this is what my life is going to be. Me, doing as little as I can, living through the pain and feeling depressed over the fact that I can't do what I had planned on doing.

I can't even really put into words exactly what I feel right now. I feel like I'm losing part of myself. That pretty much explains the whole thing. And it sucks. All because some guy didn't see a bus.

Meh

You have been forewarned. The following entry contains emotional stuff.

Well, I said that there'd be no post yesterday. I told ya. Yesterday and today was pretty uneventful in terms of back aches. By which I mean it went normal. It was pretty good in the morning and slowly went worse throughout the day until I hurt at night time.

Today went worse than yesterday evening though.

Sometimes, I get these spurts of productivity and I have to do x, y and z because of a, b, and c. Tonight was one of those nights and my back is mad at me. I know that sometimes, I do a lot and my back suffers, but I hate the idea of feeling like an invalid, that I can't keep on living my life and not being able to do what I need to do.

But that's the thing. I can't really live my life that I did. 3 months ago, me going to the grocery store, coming home, cooking, cleaning and making cookies would not have taken me this long or cause me this much pain.

And I hate it. I just hate it. It drives me insane. I have things I want/need to do this weekend. Normally, I'd get up in the morning and I'd go and I'd do it and everything will be fine and done. Now, I have to figure out what I need to do as opposed to what I want to do. Then I need to determine what's the most feasible way of doing things and coordinating bus times and cabs for when the bus just isn't going to work.

Normally, I like things scheduled and I know what I'm doing when, but that's just too much.

Sometimes I wonder what happened for me to go through this and have my life turn a complete 180. There's the negative voice in my head (my friend has told me to call this voice Candy and tell her to shut the hell up whenever she speaks up. Sometimes Candy won't listen) that says that since my life was going so well, things had to go boom. Or, in this case, bang. I try to ignore that aspect of it. Just try to tell myself that, no, that's not it, that it was all just circumstances. No what ifs or buts, because there are none. I was taking that bus to work anyways. There are no other buses that go up there in the morning. I was going to be sitting in that seat anyways because I sit in the middle of the bus across from the back door. That's my seat. And these things happen and you get on and deal with it.

And that's what I try to tell myself.

This isn't a blog for me to deal with my other problems that I do have, but one thing that may underlie some more depressing entries is the Seasonal Affective Disorder thing. I don't have SAD per se, because I have depression in the summer as well. However, my moods are lower in the winter for the same reason that people have SAD.

Sorry for the emotional stuff here. It just hasn't been a good night in general and I'm ready for bed. Now I just feel like I'm in a whatever mood. I believe the term is "meh". Good night.

Day Off

Today was not a good day. I woke up this morning like how I normally feel at night. I even said yesterday that it wasn't a great night and that there seemed to be more pain than normal. So I guess that was just left over pain for last night.

That didn't help me this morning though. I was having pangs and twinges all morning while getting ready for work. Even threw on the old Rub A535 that I don't normally need in the morning. I was feeling myself walk slower. The bus was pretty uncomfortable too. I knew this was going to be a bad day.

And it just went from bad to worse. I found myself sitting as much as possible at work. Slanted in chairs, against the wall, on the floor, whatever I could do. It wasn't just the constant dull pain today. It was a constant full on pain. Throw on the spasms and I was just a mess. Again, I was walking slower, I wasn't attempting to lift anything I could. It finally got to the point where I had to go to my boss and ask if there was a way for me to go home that afternoon. I felt useless there today, not able to do anything. Luckily, I was able to do so, so thank god for that. I went home and stayed in bed pretty much from 3:00 to 5:30.

The only exceptions were when I got the door for my brother who went to the store to get a prescription for me, and for my bestest friend who, under no suggestion from me, decided to get me a caramel corretto. My fave! And then I found out it was his girlfriend who suggested it. I guess that makes her the awesome one :P.

The rest was a huge help. Once I got up again to do more normal activities, I felt more like myself. I felt more like I normally do during the day which was great in comparison to what I had been feeling. When you feel a pain level that's like 6/10, 7/10 all day, the 3/10 is a very welcome feeling.

So feeling a lot better now and am hoping to have a full day at work tomorrow. I hate missing work because of sickness. I once took a mental health day at an old job and I felt bad about it. But, at that point, I was going crazy and needed a day off. Today, I felt like my back was going crazy and it needed some time off. I'm terrible at self-care and making sure I'm good. I'm always more of making sure that other people are fine before taking care of my own needs. I know some people think "oh wow, that's great, being so selfless". It's not great. There will be a time when you'll snap and the pressure of making sure everyone is ok and everything is taken care of will weigh you down until you don't know what it is you need anymore. And that's how I get. I've been like that for as long as I can remember. Someone once called it being stubborn because I wasn't taking care of myself or my back. And I probably am stubborn about it. I just hate the idea of letting people down and not being there.

And I hated that I had to go home today, but what other choice did I have? I needed that rest, whether I realized it or not. My back realized it. It pretty much said to me "Hey! Look! I'm tired, ok? We've been working through the pain, saying 'it's only 8 hours, then we go home, turn on Netflix and rest'. But we are not doing that today! Nope! I refuse! I'm going on strike until you rest up!" So I had to rest. The back said so. But, now that I've had the time to recover some, it'll be back to work tomorrow, but I will be taking it easy whenever I can.

I also emailed my lawyer, telling her that I did have to take this afternoon off work because, according to the insurance lady, as of yesterday, I only missed time due to appointments. I also mentioned about the quality of life questions that weren't asked. I'll comment on the reply when I get it.

I may not write tomorrow. I have choir, followed by the pub. It's late when I get back so I usually just go to bed. But this blog seems to have gotten a bit of a following so far, and that means a lot to me. I really appreciate people being supportive of what I'm going through, offering advice and the like. It really means a lot to me. So thank you, all of you.

Lawyer Talk

So here we go, day two of me chronicling the pain in the back that is my pain in the back. Today was not a normal day in that I had to go to the lawyers office and speak with them and the insurance company about my accident. I took the bus, a whole 45 minute bus ride there. There was some discomfort as I walked to the bus stop, but I ended up leaning against the pole for a bit to help.

On the bus, there are different types of seats, depending on the type of bus. Some of the newer buses have a lower, carpeted and more comfortable seating. The best ones are the ones that are kind of curved to match the average persons spine. I love those ones, especially on days I have to take a long ride. I was very happy to see these seats on my 45 minute ride, so the bus ride wasn't too unpleasant.

So I get to the lawyer and have a meeting with them and the insurance people. I don't like the insurance people. The questions were all about the specifics about what happened that morning and my physical injuries. Based on the questions they asked, they made it seem like my injuries were less than what they were. I didn't need x-rays. I didn't need a back brace or neck brace. I didn't need to take time off work, other than my appointments. I did mention that even though I still went to work, I couldn't do a lot of things I should do. I couldn't lift kids, couldn't sit in the little chairs very long, couldn't move things around. They didn't write that down. They asked if I did any physical activity and I said I used to walk a lot, but now I can't because it makes my back hurt. They wrote "walk" down, but not that I couldn't do it anymore. No questions about anything in my daily life that I can no longer do. As I alluded to in a previous post, that's where a lot of my problems come from. I can't do things. Even sitting here in the computer chair with my magic bag on my back isn't helping because I'm feeling tingles up and down my spine.

In fact, that's what most of my day has been like. It's what most everyday is like. It seems like a near constant dull pain in my back, a constant reminder of what I can't do anymore. So I work through the pain. I have to. I can't sit around and do nothing because my back hurts. That makes me feel useless and I can't deal with that. That idea does not sit well with me. So, I get up, I do what I can, and just keep living through that constant reminder of what I was.

But of course, the insurance company didn't care about that.

So at work, it's just this dull pain. Some activities caused a bit more pain, like when I was getting the kids beds ready, or when I was cleaning. It doesn't always cause more pain, but sometimes it does. Depends on if I stretch too far or twist a bit too much. Little things like that and I haven't figured out the exact degree to which I can move.

One of things we do is go outside. It's now winter, so it gets cold. I've never been a huge fan of the cold, possibly because I'm always cold, but I tolerated it. As a student, I'd walk to class as much as possible. I'd throw on the hoodie, coat, hats, mitts and boots and brave the ice, snow, cold and drivers who don't realize that the sidewalks disappear once the white stuff hits. I guess being on the go, I didn't feel the cold as much. Now, because I can't be on the go nearly as much, I feel the cold more. I do know that when you're cold, your muscles contract. I'm not exactly sure why. To paraphrase the great Leonard McCoy, dammit Jim, I'm a child care provider, not a doctor! So when my muscles contract due to cold, my back spasms since muscles are contracting and moving and all that. I don't like being out in the cold.

The pain at home was a bit more than it usually is. Not sure why. I've found myself needing to lie down and sit with the bag more than usual. Maybe I over did it a little today. I still have the dull achy, but most of the evening I've had tingles. Not quite spasms, but tingles, up and down.

So that was today. Tomorrow, I plan on emailing the lawyer to ask about those quality of life questions, if that's going to take in account. If things like cabs, which I'm sure I mentioned at the meeting today, are going to play a factor.

In the meantime, it's time for me to lie down for several hours and enjoy that thing called sleep before I get up and do it all over again.

Thanks for sticking with me this far!

Advent Sunday

Today is Sunday. Advent Sunday to be exact. That probably doesn't mean much to most people here. But, to me and my back, it means a lot of standing, walking, singing and not much sitting. The back is not a fan of that.

Sunday is not usually a good day for my back. Usually by the end of the day, I'm fighting back tears. This is a day that I not only deal with the physical pain, but the emotional pain that comes from having a bad back. You see, I sing soprano in a church choir. For the not so musically inclined, that means I sing high notes. For singing, and I'm assuming for most musical performances but I'm not sure because I don't play any instruments, posture is very important. In singing, straight back, shoulders down, head up, tummy tucked in, all very important for getting the right muscles in the right place to sing properly. But getting into that position hurts my back, especially after doing it for an entire service.

As I said, today was Advent Sunday. We do an Advent procession where we go around the church singing antiphons and music and we're standing for most of this. I was doing pretty good with it but after just over an hour, it was starting to take it's toll. By the end of it, the spasms were starting, and when you're walking in a procession, if you have a spasm, you have no choice but to keep on walking.

I have to do this twice on Sundays, as I sing at two services. It's pretty much the same. I start off alright but by the end, I'm ready to cry. Usually after both services, I sit for a bit, either in a chair or on the bench in our choir changing room. But it's something.

It's not the physical pain that upsets me here. I hate that sometimes I can't hit my higher notes because I can't get into the proper position to hit them. It makes me feel inadequate as a singer and as a soprano. I know it's not my fault that it's hard sometimes, but that doesn't mean I'm not frustrated when I can hear myself squeak on a note that I should not squeak on. My default position has a slight hunch because it takes some pressure off the back, or I'm on an incline, also because I feel less pressure on my back. And it just....sucks.

Maybe I'm not the best to be written a blog about this. I'm terrible at describing things like this.

It's not just singing that I can't do at church. I can't serve either because I will not lift the cross or banner or whatever else I have to carry (it's usually one of those two). Again, I should be able to do that. While the service can run in the evening without a server (the one I'm normally serving at), I'm sure it'll be easier if they had one.

That's the thing with this type of pain and struggle after an accident. They can put a price on the amount of work you miss, on prescriptions, on therapy. But what about not being able to sing properly anymore? On not being able to do things you used to be able to do?

You can't. There's no dollar value on things like that. There's no price on frustration, on losing some independence, on wanting to just sit there in defeat.

And that sucks.

So I was on the bus....

As the url says, so I was on the bus one morning, heading to work. October 11, 2013 in fact. At about 7:40am, I felt this bang on the left side, which of course happened to be the side of the bus I was sitting on. I was sort of hunched over already, probably playing Candy Crush on the phone, and I jerked back and forth quickly in my seat. I didn't fall off, but I did wonder what just happened. So, I looked out the window and saw the back of a truck right next to me. I still don't understand how that guy didn't see a bus behind him. Front or end of the bus, fine, but the middle of the bus? Weird. The bus was barely damaged, maybe a dent in the side, if that.

I thought I was barely damaged, too. Apparently not.

I didn't feel any pain until that evening. I found it strange that I couldn't get comfortable in my co-workers car when she drove me home that night. There seemed to be this dull pain in the small of my back during the evening that didn't seem to go away. I tried to ignore it. It wasn't because of earlier that day. It couldn't be. It was barely an accident. But the pain started to get worse. Then the spasms happened.

That was almost two months ago and that pain is still there. This is why I've decided to start this blog. Honestly, I probably should have started it earlier as a way to document and track what was going on with my back. I've realized that this isn't going away in a week's time or anything. Since there's been no progress on my back getting better, starting it a bit late won't really make a difference. I really don't know how I'm supposed to continue this post right now. There's a couple of ways my mind starts going. Maybe we should talk about the physical pain first.

I wake in the morning and I'm usually pretty good. There's not a lot of pain. But as the day goes on, so does the pain. I wish I could describe it, but I'm terrible at describing pain. Usually "it hurts" is how I describe it. It's achy, it can be dull, sometimes it feels sharp, sometimes it feels like there's a bubble in there. The spasms tingle right up to my neck sometimes and there's nothing I can do about those except just wait for them to pass. I spend a lot of time on my back and not in a fun way (sorry. Many people who know me well knows that I'm a fan of innuendos, double entendres and dirty minded, gutter jokes. I had to throw that innuendo in there or else it wouldn't be me). Even at work, I will lie down on a mat on the floor for a few minutes while the kids are sleeping to help the back pain. I'm often found lying on the couch or on the bed with the magic bag. I even sit in my computer chair with the magic bag placed in between the chair back and my back.

I work in a daycare center, mostly dealing with toddlers. It doesn't help sitting in the little chairs because there's a lack of back support (which is why I lie down if I can, like when the kids are sleeping). In my job, hugging children, playing with children, picking them up (even just to put them on the change table) is a major component. I can't do most of it. There are only two kids I can pick up easily because they're little. Another few I can do it if my back is good and it's a very short time. Others, I won't even attempt to pick up. I can't run after the kids to play with them. I can't scoop them up and give them airplane rides. I can't sit with them for a lengthy period of time. Sometimes, even getting the bags of blankets and sleeping mat down can give me a spasm or pain.

Now there's the emotional pain. I've been told that I can have a strong independent streak and I can see that. If there's something I want to do, I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it on my own if I possibly can. I hate relying on others to do things that I can do myself. Once my back started hurting, that was taken away from me. I've gotten cabs to and from places that I used to be able to walk from no problem. For example, it's only a 10 minute walk to the grocery store. While I can still walk to the grocery store, I can't walk back. I can't lift my groceries, and I usually get about a week's worth at a time, so it's not a lot. It's not just the carrying groceries that are the problem. With the injury, I'm walking at a much slower pace than what I'm used to. I can't walk many of the places I'd use to because it will hurt my back. Usually, the longest walk I can handle is 10 minutes, maybe 15 if it's been a good day. So now I'm relying on buses, cabs, people I know with cars, to take me places that I used to be able to walk and have no problems with. And it drives me crazy.

My goal with this blog is to make note of everything that I can or can't do because of my back. I'm sure there'll be commentary so some of this stuff might end up repeated. I'll also talk about things I know I haven't touched on here because I know it'll come up later. It'll also help explain things that I'm going through, any progress, things like that.

And in case you were wondering what else I'm doing to help my back other than complaining and blogging, my doctor has prescribed pain killers and gave me a referral for acupuncture. I'm just waiting to hear back from my lawyer on who is going to pay for that. I'd rather the insurance company pay and me not pay out of pocket, because that be expensive.

 So that's it. Let's see what each day will bring us. Some days will be good, some days, not so good.

Thanks for coming along on this journey with me, because really, how often do you hear someone say "So I was on the bus...and a truck didn't see it."